Let’s get started! Fill that bucket
If you’re starting here, and don’t know what’s going on, head back to this post about why bucket fillers are the place to start when you’re struggling to get out of a pit of pain.
Drips that can drain you look like getting caught up in a texting match, trying to change someone’s mind, trying to be understood where there is not intent to understand…which can send you down a dark pit of hopelessness. It can also look like regularly ignoring physical cues for sleep, rest, food, etc. Or ignoring that painful tooth until it won’t let you ignore it. Or saying yes to things you don’t want to say yes to.
Drips that can recharge and fill your bucket look like taking pauses throughout the day, asking yourself “what do I need right now?” and listening and taking action. This may look like sending that text to reach out to someone new for support, or sitting with a cup of coffee and feeling the heat on your palms, smelling the bitterness of the steam, drinking slowly while feeling the warmth make it’s way down to your stomach. It looks like being present, for however brief a moment or two. This can be sitting in the sun for just a few minutes, noticing the breeze, noticing the warmth on your face and what it feels like on your cheeks, your nose, how it moves your hair - these moments send signals to your brain that for right now, even for a few seconds, you are safe.
The reason this is so important is because when this activates the parasympathetic nervous system, your survival mechanisms ease up, your heart rate slows, and you are able to “…move out of a state of protection into readiness for connection”(Deb Dana, 2020)*. We also see good benefits such as improved immune functioning, and potentially avoid the appearance of physical ailments from being in a state of long-term survival mode.
To take it a step deeper, assess what things you haven’t had a lot of lately. Rest and relaxation? What kinds of things fit in this zone for you? Coloring, listening to instrumental music, getting a massage - these are some of the “easy” answers, but what else feels calming to you? For some people this might look really different. Maybe watching a spider weave it’s web feels calming, for others, maybe not. Maybe watching someone build a cabinet on youtube feels relaxing. My kids love to watch slime being made, but me? Not so much. This can be so specific to each person, it’s worth testing out and finding what works for you! Other areas to consider for “fill your bucket” activities may include, excitement, curiosity, fun and humor, focus, repetition, creativity, bucket listers, etc. Connection is another important area to include, and can double up with other categories.
If you are feeling like you have no idea what would even fill your bucket, I recommend going back to the basics, and really going back in time - to what you liked as a kid. Were there any games you played? Any activities you and your friends did together? What interested you? What hobbies did you have? What did you really like, but didn’t get a chance to try out? Pick something and give it a go. This can be something you build over time, and maybe write down what you find to save for future reference.
If you’re reading this and feeling some things bubble up - frustration, pain, sadness, etc., feeling like even the ability to find these small moments is too far out of reach - know that you’re not alone. A good support system to talk things out with is worth its weight in gold. A therapist can also help to process through and provide support as you work to figure out how to cope and fill your toolbox with grounding tools.
For a recommended reading on nervous system states and how to understand and work with them, try Anchored by Deb Dana.
*Credit: Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection - Deb Dana
